Saturday, October 01, 2005


755) The Bridges of Madison County. The priggish conservative in me says, "There's nothing romantic about adultery!" Seriously bored housewives of the world, if you aren't happy in your marriage then say something about it before you go off and nail the first National Geographic photographer that comes by.

755 down, 245 to go.

- I'm head to Sarah's to watch a movie so I'm updating now since I probably won't be back til late.

Update: Just got home. We watched Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius since Sarah has a crush on both Jesus and my dad. She's weird sometimes. So I see that it's gotten C ratings on the Yahoo! reviews and I don't really get that cause it was pretty darn good. It was just one of those feel good sports movies everyone can enjoy like Seabiscuit or Phar Lap, but with more golf and less horses. So now we're at 756 down, 244 to go.
When life imitates art...

Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean that really got out of hand fast.

It jumped up a notch.

It did, didn't it?

Yeah. I stabbed a man in the heart.

I saw that. Mike killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?

Yeah, there were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident.

Mike, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safe house or a relative close by, lay low for awhile because you're probably wanted for murder. I'm proud of you guys. You all kept your head on a swivel and that's what you've gotta do when you find yourself in a viscious cockfight.

Can you believe Swindle and the whole EDSBS team? Where's your mommy, someone's gotta change your diapers. I'm telling you, this two losing seasons business is really hurting our rep.

I know exactly what you mean, Brodie. Every Auburn fan in this state is laughing at us. And I don't like it!

I don't like the put downs!

Well we're going to do something about it! It is time to put an end to this, cause last time I looked in the dictionary my name is Joe Kines! What's your name?

Brodie Croyle!

Dave Rader!

Brodie Croyle!

No, you're Coach Shula.


The Negatives: The most glaringly obvious; a near perfect game marred by the loss of Tyrone Prothro. Thankfully we get a bye to figure out how to deal with that. My biggest fear is the return of Brandon Brooks as the return man. He's a threat if he catches the ball, but more times than not he's going to either drop it right off and turn it over or take three steps, get hit, and fumble it for the turnover then. Also, with Prothro being the first loss to injury the guessing game for who's next is on. The less obvious are the penalties. Two huge Darby runs and one Johns run were brought back (and the drives subsequently killed) for holding and a Prothro return for a touchdown was nixed by a block in the back. This would have been a lot worse without those stupid mental errors.

The Positives: Chris Leak looked good in the skirt and blonde wig the defense bought him. I'm not saying it was a prison shower raping or anything, but it was dirty and savage enough to be a filthy dive bar bathroom with the stall open affair.

Friday, September 30, 2005


753) Dying Young. Julia Roberts is another one of those actors that I just don't get. She's not particularly talented, she resembles a trout when she smiles, and she also seems like kind of a bitch/freakshow in interviews. Not down with the Roberts. Or this movie. Or rug burns.

754) Sweet Evil. The terrible things I'm willing to do for Veronica Vaughn (so hot, want to touch the heiney)...

754 down, 246 to go.

- I went to the ghetto theater to see The Island and the line was half way through the parking lot. There were never that many people there when it was a nice theater, so I don't know what the deal was. So instead of waiting I went to Best Buy and bought Shooter Jennings's CD and the new Ryan Adams. I started in on Shooter's first, but changed halfway through the first song. If you're going to a) title your album "Put the O Back in Country" b) model the back of the album cover after your father's Honky Tonk Heroes band picture and c) inform us in the title cut that what we've been listening to ain't country then you damn sure better not sound like the same "so close but oh so far", Tim McGraw/Kenny Chesney redneck pop-rock with cowboy hats that gets played on country radio all day long. The Adams disc, damn it, is pretty good so far. I hate Ryan Adams the man with a burning passion, and yet I love his music. I thought the spell was broken with Cold Roses, but I'm digging this one so far. Cold Roses would have been fine if Adams's douche bag vanity hadn't gotten in the way and forced a bunch of mediocre "I swear I'm a dead head" cuts that never would have been more than b-sides or outtakes into an album so it would be two discs. It's the Use Your Illusion principle all over again. Axl could have made yet another brilliant rock album, but instead he chose to release two discs with only one disc's worth of material. But the new disc, well, it's country. There are a few brooding, Love Is Hell like piano driven tunes, but what I've heard so far is heartening. There's even a brief foray into countrypolitan that worked out pretty well.

- I sucked it up and went to Publix and damn near hit a guy. Four incredibly annoying Samford kids (Birmingham natives know what I'm talking about) were all over that store and one of them for some reason felt the need to continually antagonize me by yelling at his friends at the top of his lungs while standing right next to me, bumping me in the back as I walked and saying "oh, my bad dude" and generally being the biggest jackass I've ever seen in my life. The other three weren't any better, especially the bitch that had a laugh like a braying donkey and found everything the two guys did highly amusing. Finally, after one bump too many, I turned around and said, no kidding, "get out of this aisle right now and if you see me in another one you better turn your ass around and run the other way" and it totally worked. He had a look of shock like he wanted to say something but then he just turned and walked away and I heard him tell the others "that guy just threatened me" and they all turned to look at me and so I tried not to laugh and just glared instead and my "trying not laugh but glaring instead" glare actually looks pretty menacing, so the rest of the time I was there if I saw any of them they gave me a dirty look and then went the other way. I feel like I'm kind of calling the kettle black here by complaining about their behavior cause Lord knows I've made a fool of myself in public many times, but at a certain point you cross over from being a character and start being rude and these guys really did that.

...there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes...

- Bored. So very bored. Which is odd for a friday. Anger. Confusion. Fear.

- Charity ("The Hot Nanny") is now on the Nick Nice website. She's such a loser. She is hot and also a nanny though, so at least they're down with the truth in advertising.

- I put a bottle of water in the freezer part of the fridge in my office yesterday. I just took it out and it isn't even close to frozen. I'm pretty sure my fridge sucks.

- If you like folk music, check out my friend Don from Georgia's website. He has some songs for download on there (Hey Dave Matthews is an instant classic) and he just recorded a new disc so if you like what you hear, order it. It's only $5. If you like it and don't have $5, then beat up a kid and take his lunch money. Kids are loaded these days.

- Last night was such a weird night. After the movie I headed home and thought very seriously about stopping at the Wal-Marts to get some groceries but I was just too tired and, like I said, I'm afraid of grocery shopping now so I just went home instead. I kept dreaming about driving to Nashville for some reason and it was the boringest dream I've ever had. Seriously, it was just me behind the wheel driving up 65 North, no radio on, nothing, just driving, and I was going to Nashville. Then at 3:41 Claudia messaged me about how she was just now going to bed and how crazy that was. Ole Miss girls. What are you gonna do?

- Yeah, the Europeans are kind of lame, but who knew their animals routinely died of fright?


- It's put up or shut up time for the Tide, and I'm strangely calm. Last week I was sweating bullets over the Arkansas game when everyone else was all "USC hung 70 on them!", but that's what made me nervous. At some point the real Reggie Herring would have to stand up and what better time than the week after an old fashioned ass whipping? Further, they pounded the ball for something like 280 yards rushing against a Trojan defense that should have held them to less. Arkansas was underrated coming into the game and it made me nervous. Bama always seems like it believes it's own hype and screws up in trap games like that. It's like what Bryant said about his late seventies teams, they were used to winning and didn't see themselves as the underdogs fighting for respect anymore. I know this team isn't used to winning, but after all the praise they got for whipping Spurrier on the road and the hype about Bama's backticity their heads had to be getting a little big. Anyway, we survived Arkansas, thankfully, and it's made me even more confident. Arkansas isn't Florida by any stretch of the imagination, but seeing Bama make mistake after mistake and play a terrible game and then still manage to finish had to be heartening for every Crimson Tide fan out there. We've had two seasons (three if you count Fran's snatching defeat from the jaws of victory against OU, UGA, and Auburn in 2002) where we were in every game we played but never could put the other team away and now it's looking like those problems have been worked out and Bama is ready to resume it's rightful place in both the SEC and College Football as a whole. Besides pulling a W while playing lousy, they made enough mistakes for the coaches to get all over them during this week's prep for Florida and you know those receivers won't be dropping a damn thing after seeing their lousy performances on film and Harper won't be getting stiff armed this weekend after Kines is through with him.

- Florida? I respect the Gators, but not the spread option. In all the hype over the Urban Meyer offense no one thought to look at the other side of the ball, and I'm impressed by their defense's agressive nature. This weekend could very easily turn into a low scoring slug fest, which I like, even if the left arm tinglies do return. I'm calling 17-14 Bama.

Thursday, September 29, 2005


752) The Devil's Rejects. Vile is the only word capable of describing House of 1000 Corpses so I never was interested in seeing this. Then I heard it was much better, and like an idiot I decided I'd give it a shot. They were right on at least one count. Unlike House, this one had a coherent plot and clearly defined 1st, 2nd, and 3rd acts, whereas House was nothing more than a jumble of what I presume are Zombie's favorite moments from 70's slasher pictures with a lot of arty pretension thrown in to distract you and a poor excuse for a plotline that falls apart after 15 minutes trying to hold it all together. And then he had to go and drag Skynyrd into it. The soundtrack was way too good for this movie and not all the songs made it to the CD either. There's at least one more James Gang tune and I'm pretty sure I heard Muddy Waters doing I Can't Be Satisfied at one point. There was also another old delta blues at the beginning but I forget what it was now. Anyway, my point is that Zombie actually learned a little something about structure in storytelling and even about less is more directing, but the movie is still suck ass awful. The dialogue was crap and the acting was worse. Seriously, there are levels of profanity in a movie and this one crossed into the ridiculous. I don't want to be a prude here, because Lord knows I curse at least one blue streak every hour of the day, but at some point it's just uncalled for. It gives off a childish vibe, really, all "I'm going to drop as many f bombs as possible because my parents aren't around and no one can stop me!" It's was just ludicrous.

752 down, 248 to go.

- Only one tonight, damn it. It was a looong day at work so I came home and showered and took a nap before The OC. And yes, I totally called it, Taylor and the Dean of Discipline are hooking up. You heard it here first. Also, I'm kind of digging on Taylor a little. She's got that uptight preppy thing going for that I like. Too bad she has the bad sense to fool around with the Dean of Discipline. I'm seriously going to turn into one of those old ladies that can't tell the difference between TV and reality anymore and thinks the actors in soap operas really are their characters and wind up punching that guy if I ever see him in real life. What a douche. My other prediction, that Jeri Ryan is yet another of Caleb's illegitimate daughters, was off though.

- After The OC I started watching Dying Young but Charity, bless her, managed to get on The Nick Nice Show as a guest DJ. She's such a loser. So everytime they would start playing music (if you can't tell from the website, not my kind of tunes) I'd turn the TV back on and didn't really make a lot of headway before I went and met her at the theater for The Devil's Rejects. They are supposed to be putting up a picture of her on the website tomorrow, so we'll see how that turns out.

- I haven't been to the grocery store in two weeks so the cupboards are looking pretty bare at the moment. Won't someone please go to the store for me? I've developed a completely irrational hatred of grocery stores lately and am dreading the thought of having to go tomorrow but I'm out of Coke and Sweet Tea and you can't expect me to drink water. That's simply unheard of. I don't know why I fear the grocery store now, but I can sense the other shoppers and cashiers silently judging each of my purchases and finding them lacking. I swear this one woman followed me down ever single aisle last time I was at Publix and examined each item I picked up after I moved along but didn't get anything I did. I even doubled back a few aisles a couple of times to shake her but everytime I turned around she was there. I'm going to be a shut in when I'm old.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


750) On the Waterfront. Yep. It's a classic. Hollywood doesn't have the balls to make a movie like this anymore.

751) Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself. My sister begged my parents to name me Wilbur when I was born and then, when they didn't, went ahead and called me that anyway. So when I saw this on Netflix I knew I had to watch it. Dark humor, but it was entertaining. 16HP, you'd probably like it.

751 down, 249 to go.

Well my name's Bocephus, I drink whiskey by the gallon...

...and I never back down and I love a good challenge...

- 95 days to watch 251 movies. Even with the football and the return of my programs I'm going to make it. Sweet mercy, I'm going to make it! Who's a rock star? I am.

- Yesterday some boneheaded tree cutter severed one of Bellsouth's cables (you know, the kind thicker than an elephants leg with a billion fiber optic cables in it?) so several blocks of downtown Birmingham were without phone service all day. Naturally we were included in that area, so I had to run home to use my internet to download some artwork people had been e-mailing and that's the time that the phone company decided to offer to forward our calls to a cell phone. Who's phone number did they give them? Take a wild guess. So I was sitting at my apartment and my phone rings and I don't recognize the number so I pick up and this old man on the other end is like "is this Jones Sportswear?" and I'm like "sort of..." and he's all "You're phones have been screwed up all morning, I've been trying to get through..." and proceeds to give me an earful about some bad emulsion we sent him (which, I'm willing to concede that sensitizer does go bad from time to time, but it sounded more like he just mixed the stuff wrong and didn't want to admit it. So screw you old man.) and the whole time I'm like "how the hell did he get this number" and then someone else starts beeping in and so I pick that up and it's someone else needing to speak to someone in sales and then someone else starts beeping in and my voicemail alert is going nuts so I'm running out of the house trying to talk to two different people and take messages and explain that the phones at the office are down and calls are being forwarded to this number but I'm not actually in the office, I'll be there in ten minutes, blah blah blah, and flying down Red Mountain Expressway at 90 MPH trying to get back to the office while taking messages and generally being a menace to the motoring world. Good times.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


748) 13 Going on 30. 1. Mark Ruffalo is not a romantic lead. Fine actor? Yes. Charming enough to be a male love interest? No. 2. Jennifer Garner scares the bejesus out of me. She walks like a robot, has the shoulders of a linebacker (extra note: if your leading lady has broader shoulders than your male love interest...? I'm just saying.), and her jaws look like they might could unhinge and swallow you whole. But not in a good way. Yikes.

749) Slackers. I laughed my ass off watching this. Jason Schwartzman is a genius, plus, who doesn't love a good dose of total low brow now and again?

749 down, 251 to go.

Update: I forgot to mention that Slackers featured both an orchestral arrangement of Baba O'Reily and a choral arrangement of The Sign on it's soundtrack. That movie was awesome.

Monday, September 26, 2005


746) Out of Time. I don't know why Florida isn't used more in movies. The setting really lends itself to the crime genre in particular. This, Body Heat, Wild Things, and Palmetto all use the heat and semi-exotic setting to beautiful effect. You'd think there'd be a whole Florida subgenre when it comes to crime/noir pictures. Plus I'd give up a finger for Eva Mendes. Seriously.

747) My Own Private Idaho. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKEEEEEEDDDDDD. So bad it sapped my will to live. I hate you, Gus Van Sant.

746 down, 254 to go.

- I went back to the doctor today to have x-rays done and make sure everything is straight with my knee (thankfully everything is, so I've got about two more years before they get to cut the right knee), and while I was waiting to have my x-rays done a nurse comes in and asks a man with a clearly artificial leg which knee he needs x-rayed. He tapped the real leg and said "probably this one" and she turned bright red and then he laughed his ass off. Also, there were two gossipy old ladies sitting next to me the whole time. And when I say gossipy, I mean it. There were at least thirty different people that they discussed and found lacking, and I learned that if an old woman tells you it's not her place to say something, she's still going to say it.

It's not late...nah...nah...It's early...

99.5 is currently playing The Spin Doctors. The end is nigh.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Christmas is just around the corner...


743) Valentine. Suck.

744) Fallen. Note to directors/producers of supernatural thrillers: Twist endings ruin your movies.

745) Rebel Without a Cause. I thought Paula Abdul was supposed to be in this...

745 down, 255 to go.

5 minutes til Desperate Housewives. I'm coming home, Bree.


Why am I not surprised that a game featuring both T.O. and Randy Moss is keeping me from watching the Steelers/Patriots game?

Update: Eagles finally kick a field goal for the win and CBS switches to Pittsburgh...only to have the local affiliate break in every two minutes with a tornado warning update for west Alabama. Sigh.

Update: Thanks CBS. I miss the Patriots turnover but you got me back in time to see Randle El try a lateral to Ward and then we turn it over. Sure am glad I got to see that one!

Update: I think Roethlisberger might have just kicked a punt, but I'm not sure. The screen that CBS has so thoughtfully provided in the bottom right corner is so small that you can't make out anything that's going on, which is a shame because from what I can make out I'm missing a hell of a game. So screw it, I'm watching Rebel Without a Cause instead, cause this is just too damn frustrating.


Update: After Desperate Housewives I'm a little calmer about the situation. From what little I got to see the Steelers looked craptacular on offense. The few big gains they had were inevitably overshadowed by procedural screw ups and poor play calling. I know the Patriots are good, but the defense had Brady rattled early and had two red zone take aways to keep the Steelers in the lead. This should have been a win, especially since the Patriots weren't really looking all that hot either. If we had been able to run up a score like last season New England would have been dead in the water. As it is, we shot ourselves in the foot and threw it away.