If EDSBS can interview Finebaum
, then I guess I can interview Colorado’s 9th District Judge T. Peter Craven
. What does the Honorable T. Peter Craven have to do with football? One time he found himself in a sports bar watching a Colorado State game and thinking about how short those cheerleader’s skirts really are, and that’s enough for me. So here is part one in an ongoing series of conversations concerning football, judicial precedent, and those short, short cheerleader skirts.
1000Movies: Your honor, thank you for sitting down with me. Let me be blunt; is your interest in college football restricted solely to the sideline cavorting of the Colorado State cheerleaders?
The Honorable T. Peter Craven: No, not at all. I also have a fondness for Colorado’s cheerleaders and, in fact, most cheerleaders.
1000Movies: Is it reasonable for you to desire your rival’s cheerleaders, especially in the case of Colorado? A case can be made that a vanquished rival’s cheerleaders should be considered spoils of war and subject to the sexual whims of the victors and their fans, but the Buffs own State. How do you reconcile your feelings of hatred towards Colorado with your strong sense of desire towards their cheerleaders?
HTPC: Honestly I could care less about what’s happening on the field. I’m interested in the cheerleaders, plain and simple. It doesn’t matter what school’s uniform they have on, so long as it’s a cheerleading uniform.
1000Movies: No matter how bad the opposing team is whipping yours, you can still view their cheerleaders in a sexual light rather than the annoying bitches who won't shut up about how great their team is and how terrible yours is?
HTPC: Yes. You can’t tell me that you’ve never wanted to chase one of your rival’s cheerleaders under the stands.
1000Movies: Actually, I can.
1000Movies: For real. Auburn’s cheerleaders have those stupid little paws on their cheeks that look like skin cancer unless you look closely, and Tennessee’s…well, okay, there was one time I wanted to nail a UT cheerleader. I’m not proud.
HTPC: Tell me about the UT cheerleaders.
1000Movies: They just seem extra dirty, you know? Like, Bama’s cheerleaders seem nice and wholesome and that’s kind of the appeal, but the Vol cheerleaders just look like they’d take a man to his pickup bed and rock him ‘til the axle breaks. I guess there’s something about the mountains of East Tennessee that produces hillbilly hotties left and right. Maybe its cause their pa kept them locked in the cabin without running water and with only the livestock for company that when they finally get out they go wild.
HTPC: Go on.
1000Movies: There’s not much more to say.
1000Movies: Yeah.…awkward silence…
1000Movies: So you’re really not a fan of the game at all?
HTPC: No, not particularly.
1000Movies: You never pull for the Rams at all? I mean, you have season tickets; you really just go to ogle the cheerleaders?
HTPC: No, I pay attention other things going on in the stadium.
1000Movies: Like what?
HTPC: The dance squad, I like their boots.
Come back next wednesday for part 2, in which The Honorable T. Peter Craven reveals his secret love for homoerotic ass slapping and his long held belief that streaking through the local grocery store is a good way to meet women.Probably face paint, but it could be an oozing sore. Better safe than sorry, fellas.