Friday, February 24, 2006

The weirdest swingers group in America...

Two US women to donate kidneys to each other's husbands.

Okay everybody, drop your organ donor card in the bowl by the door...

Thursday, February 23, 2006

According to this, Ezekiel Knight is being moved from his position at wide receiver to defensive end. With Nikita Stover coming in and the need for depth on defense it seems like a logical move, plus Zeke just wasn't cutting it as a receiver. From what we saw of him last year, rushing the passer will probably be less challenging for him than, you know, trying to catch a ball from time to time.

Moving Dr. Turk worked pretty well for the Titans...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

And now, for no apparent reason, I bring you Jigglebilly!

Steak Out REALLY wants my business, considering this is the sight that greets me each and every day when I come home from work.

I just don't trust shrimp delivered by an '82 civic.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

1. A favorite political track.
Revolution – The Beatles
“But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Mao, You ain’t gonna make it with anyone anyhow.”
I always thought this was a pretty brave song for The Beatles to release. They were certainly left of the mainstream, but they were principled enough to rebuke the outright radicals that were doing more to harm their cause than good and I can respect that.

Honorable Mention: Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan

2. One of those tracks that will make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
Waltz Across Texas Tonight – Emmylou Harris
“Look in my eyes, hold on real tight, I’ll waltz you my darling across Texas tonight”
I think this is supposed to be one of those “favorite club banger” type of questions, but since I don’t DANCE dance, I’ll go with this one since I’ve always pictured slow dancing with someone I love to this. Because I’m sappy and stupid and a girl.

3. The song you'd use to tell someone you love them.
Not Fire, Not Ice – Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals
“There’s nothing can keep me from loving you, not fire, no, not ice.”
It’s actually a really simple song, but it’s a pretty heartfelt declaration of love.

4. A song you know would sell lots of VWs (or ipods, or whatever) if they paid for it. (One that hasn't already been used).
Norwegian Wood – The Beatles
“Isn’t it good, Norwegian wood?”
You bet it is! Patented space age polymers protect your deck from warping without the use of a traditional sealants!

5. A song that forced you to sit down and analyze its lyrics.
This House is Not for Sale – Ryan Adams
“We’re still living here, how come nobody can tell?”
I’m pretty sure it’s about Beetlejuice. What happened in the car that night, indeed.

6. A song you like that a 2 year old would like too.
Ezekiel’s Wheel – Woody Guthrie
“Ezekiel saw that wheel, way up in the middle of the air, Ezekiel saw the wheel a rollin’ way in the middle of the air”
I don’t know if a 2 year old would really like it, but it has a jaunty rhythm, simple melody, and repetitive lyrics. You know that “Take me riding in the car, car, take me riding in the car, car” talking blues car commercial? It sounds like that.

7. A song that makes you drive too fast.
A Praise Chorus – Jimmy Eat World
“I’m on my feet, I’m on the floor, I’m good to go.”
There’s nothing lyrically that makes me drive fast, but it has a really driving (ha!) rhythm that makes me forget how fast I’m going when it’s on.

8. A song that makes you feel like kicking someone's ass.
Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy – Big & Rich
“Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy.”
I have a very complicated relationship with this song. It sucks, I know that, but when it first came out I thought it was hilarious and always wished they sang “And all the hookers say, save a horse…” to make it even funnier. But then it just kept getting played over and over and over and both Big AND Rich are such idiotic parodies that I really want to kick THEIR asses anytime I realize they are famous while I’m not because I’m a pretty idiotic parody at times myself and no one’s paying me a load of money to start a “revolution” in country music. So yeah, Big and Rich, come to the Ham and see what you get.

In post-Brokeback America, dressing like this and riding studs named Leroy have totally different meanings.

9. A song that both you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
When the Roll is Called Up Yonder – Johnny Cash
“Let us labor for the Master from dawn ‘til setting sun, Let us talk of all his wondrous love and care.”
My grandparents were good Christian folk, I’m sure they would have liked this.

10. A song you really liked when you were 14-16 that you don't hate now.
Layla (Unplugged) – Eric Clapton
“You turned my whole world upside down.”
I loved Unplugged when it came out but got kind of sick of it after listening to it about a million times. To this day I can really only listen to Layla and San Fransisco Bay Blues on it without flipping to the next song after 10 seconds.

11. The song you'd send to someone you hated.
Get in the Ring – Guns ‘n Roses
“You wanna antagonize me? Antogonize me, motherfucker! Get in the ring motherfucker and I’ll kick your bitchy little ass…Punk.”
The world just isn’t right without Axl Rose making threats he could never, ever back up.

12. A sad instrumental song that would be in the soundtrack to a movie about your life.
My Funny Valentine – Miles Davis
This one was kind of hard, all of the instrumentals I have are jazz recordings and I can’t think of anything I have that isn’t upbeat. This wasn’t originally an instrumental, but Davis’s version has no vocalist so I guess it counts.

13. The peppy song that would start the opening credits in the soundtrack to a movie about your life.
Bang a Gong (Get it On) – T. Rex
“You’re dirty, you’re sweet, you’ve got a hubcap diamond star halo.”
I always imagined that slow blues riff over opening credits against a black field and then when the rest of the band comes in the visuals start.

14. An a cappella song.
John the Revelator – Son House
“Go tell my disciples, Meet me in Galilee.”
I had to go with Son House since the Gov’t Mule version has a mandolin and slide guitar.

15. A good song from a genre of music that no one could guess that you liked.
Master of Puppets – Metallica
“Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams.”
This one was hard, too, since everyone knows I like a lot of different types of music and will pretty much listen to anything, but I don’t really care for metal so Master of Puppets it is.

16. A song you think should have been playing when you were born.
Mamas Don’t Let Your Babys Grow Up to be Cowboys – Willie Nelson
“They’ll never stay home and they’re always alone, even with someone they love.”
It’s true, I like little warm puppies, children, and girls of the night.

17. A favorite artist duo collaboration.
Islands in the Stream – Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers
“You do something to me that I can’t explain.”
Don’t even try to judge, you know you love that song.

18. A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsenically, religiously etc.)
Ain’t No Fun (If My Homies Can’t Have None) – Snoop Dogg
“Back up bitch, because I’m struuuuglin’, just get on your knees, and then start juuuuglin’…”
So disgusting, so hilarious, such an influence on the 7th Floor Crew.

19. The song that you love despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
Get Low – Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz
“Aw skeet skeet, motherfucker.”
I can’t help it, it’s hilarious.

20. Your smooth song, for relaxing.
Straight, No Chaser – Thelonious Monk
That whole album is a good one to kick back to.

21. A song that you like but would play loud to annoy the neighbors.
Bulls on Parade – Rage Against the Machine
“Go with it now!”
There’s not other way to listen to Rage than at full blast, and I know the little old lady downstairs would probably hate this song.

22. A favorite song that's about a sport or sports.
Southern Comfort – Buddy Jewell
“Sleepy sweet home, Alabama, Roll Tide Roll.”
Not really about sports, but I always liked hearing Roll Tide Roll on the radio.

23. A favorite track from an outfit considered a "super-group."
Presence of the Lord – Blind Faith
“I have finally found a way to live, like I never could before.”
I think maybe they meant “super-group” in the sense of someone huge like U2, but I’ll go with the “a group comprised of members from several other major bands” definition.

24. The song that makes you want to drink more beer.
I Never Go Around Mirrors – Lefty Frizell
“I can’t stand to see me, without you by my side.”
One of the saddest country songs ever written. Merle does a fantastic version, too.

Monday, February 20, 2006

- Today's Hallway Scent: Crab meat that's just about to turn.

Found behind the crazy old lady's water heater...
I don't usually use this space to say anything more than a few sparse comments on sports very often because I'm usually too excited/relieved over a win or upset over a loss to feel like saying anything more substantial than "Roll Tide" or "Go Blazers." But seeing as Bama's upset of #8 Tennessee (their iniquitous crusade has turned against them, The Bear be praised!) is still sticking with me after two days it got me to thinking about my feelings towards basketball and, subsequently, the state of Alabama football.

I don't pretend to know a lot about basketball. Growing up in Birmingham I was a default Blazers fan, but I was relatively young during the glory days of the Gene Bartow era and didn't understand the game well enough or even care enough to pay much attention. To my way of thinking if it wasn't football, it didn't matter, and I kept that attitude through college, occasionally checking UAB and Bama scores in the paper and filling out brackets come March based solely on what I knew of their football programs (which, quick aside, that method was eerily accurate, but now that I know a little something about college basketball my brackets are shot to hell by the third round). Once I had graduated and had more free time on my hands (read: not a damn thing to do but sit on my butt and watch TV) I started watching Bama and UAB whenever they were on TV and learning the game and strategies and started actually liking it and caring about my teams' success. When Lee moved in with me it only made matters worse. He's one of those sports fans that actually enjoys "the game," where as I'm one of those guys that needs a team to pull for. Unless it's a meteor game like Miami and Tennesse I can usually watch anyone play football, but when it comes to basketball I need a reason. Anyway, he would watch any game that was on, including the NBA, and I actually found myself watching the playoffs a few years ago and realizing that if I didn't stop now I would be lost forever. So I quit watching NBA games and focused only on college ball in general and Bama and UAB in particular.

Two years ago when both made their runs to the Elite Eight with upsets over Stanford and Kentucky people blamed their next round flame outs to the SI jinx (both were featured on the cover that week), but I know exactly what happened to UAB. Lee and I had watched the first round game against Washington at the apartment, grilling hamburgers before the game, and in a superstitious move we repeated the same setup for the Kentucky game. It was the single greatest game of basketball I've ever seen, thanks mostly to The Pass, and was replayed the next day on ESPN as an "Instant Classic." In the waning seconds of the game Lee was on the phone getting tickets to go to St. Louis for the next round to see the Blazers take on Kansas, and I don't need to tell you how that game turned out. At the half Lee called and I told him he was the reason we were losing, his dumb ass should be back in the Ham in the same seat eating a hamburger, but no, he had to drive to St. Louis and let us get manhandled into defeat and the end of the dream and it was all his fault and would he please go down to the bench and tell them to attack the rim or we don't stand a chance at a come back. He didn't, we lost, it was done. I still clung to the hope that Bama would move on, but come Sunday night they dropped out against eventual champions UCONN and I didn't watch another game that year.

Leaning on the principle that the heartbreaking losses stay with you longer than exhilirating wins, I've been devoted to both teams since. To this day I hate Okafor with a passion after his dominating performance in Bama's loss to UCONN in the 2004 tournament. I laugh at LSU's "Big Baby Whatever" and will routinely do the "o-ver-ra-ted clap clap clap clap clap" taunt anytime I see him after UAB's 82-68 ass whipping in last year's tourney. And before Nicole gets all "thanks for bringing that up," you can call us even since UW-Milwaukee knocked Bama out in the first round. After UAB fell to Arizona I lost interest once again, and since it was the year of living dangerously I focused on the movies instead of keeping an eye on that year's outcome.

I never thought I'd spend the off season following basketball instead of scanning the paper and internet for even the slightest tidbits concerning Bama football, but that's what's happening now. Despite Bama's injury issues (for once I'm NOT talking about football) and early struggles they've put together some impressive wins, capped off Saturday by a huge road win against the hated Vols to bring the series to seven in a row, again reminding us of why Gottfried had a higher salary than Shula until this past season. And to me, that's kind of sad and indicative of the state of Bama football over the past few years. When a Bama fan is crowing about THE BASKETBALL TEAM'S success against their most hated of rivals something isn't right. Don't get me wrong, beating UT this weekend is huge for us both as a rivalry win and in terms of getting a tournament bid, but until Gottfried came along Bama basketball was a sideshow attraction for most fans, something in Crimson and White to occupy our minds while we silently counted down the minutes to the first kick off. When we won, we were happy, when we didn't, it was just basketball. Even though the program has had a good bit of success over the years, second only to Kentucky in number of conference titles, this is Alabama, and in Bama we worship football.

Since Stallings stepped down, we've only had moderate success on the football field. While it's true that every coach since Bryant has reached ten wins by his third year, it hasn't brought us much to hold onto. Perkins beat Notre Dame, a feat never accomplished by Bryant, but he never equaled the standards Bama fans were used to. Curry never beat Auburn, plus he was an outsider that few warmed to. Stallings gave us a national title and restored Bama to prominence, but spent the last several years of his career unable to unseat Spurrier's Gators for control of the SEC. Then a second dark age of Bama football set in. While DuBose backed into a conference title (as much as we like to remember that "magical" year, who among us doesn't silently hope no one brings up La. Tech and the Orange Bowl when discussing the '99 season?) he proved himself completely incapable of getting the job done by going 3 - 8 the following year after a #3 pre-season ranking and a top recruiting class. I have a theory that Tennessee's slide this past season had nothing to do with the impotent "Randy Sanders and the two headed quarterback" offense, but that Fulmer took DuBose's dreadful last season as a personal challenge and tried to outdo Bama by squandering his own top recruiting class and #3 ranking. And in that regard, you're 0-2 on the season fatty.

Then there was Fran.

EDSBS rightly lists Franchione (aka Fran-phoney; aka Man-tits) in their "Ten Least Likeable People In College Football" post. We loved him for getting us in a bowl when we thought the season was lost, especially since he beat Auburn to get us there. We loved him for beating UT in Knoxville with a redshirt freshman (do I have to say his name?) and shutting out LSU in Baton Rouge while leading us to a #9 ranking and Western Division title that sanctions kept us from claiming before the Iron Bowl. And then he stumbled. The top ranked defense gave up 17 points in the first quarter before shutting AU out the rest of the game. Instead of starting Croyle and giving his offense the continuity that had allowed it to function so well all season he started Watts and ran the option against a defense that knew he wouldn't throw and then subbed Croyle and threw against a defense that knew he was going to pass. It was the closest to a dream season we'd had since '99, losing only to a 12-2 Oklahoma and eventual SEC champions UGA (whom we should have had a rematch with in Atlanta but sanctions sent a woefully outmatched Arkansas team to be slaughtered instead), that was given away at the last minute with only a trip to Hawaii as consolation. And then he left without a word; Packed up, got on a plane, and flew to College Station without looking back. On the one hand, I don't blame him. He walked into NCAA sanctions for the crimes of a previous regime and as an outsider he knew there was no way he could weather the storm of criticism and calls for his head that the inevitable bad seasons would generate. I don't fault him for jumping ship under those circumstances. I fault him for pledging his loyalty to Bama the day before he left. I fault him for looking like a classless buffoon by not talking to his players and letting them know he was leaving. I fault him for stealing Brodie away from FSU by promising John Croyle that he would treat Brodie like a son and then abandoning him, letting what should have been another legend with a number 12 on his chest spend his career injured, sidelined, full of unrealized potential, and held so high in the esteem of the Bama nation more out of respectful pity than onfield success. I fault him for having a mercenary, opportunistic bent on par with Tuberville, heading to fundamentally sound programs in need of a boost and then jumping ship before he's exposed. But mostly I thank him for jumping ship when he did. His tenure at TAMU has finally exposed him as the quick fix artist he is, has the Bama nation openly laughing at his failure and thankful that he isn't doing that to us.

Mike Price, the Bama coach that never was, barely rates a mention beyond the embarassment he brought to the program. What can I really say? He was warned that kind of behavior wouldn't fly at Alabama and, considering the sanctions and tarnished image we were working out of, should have known better. I'm happy to see he's found success at UTEP; I don't think he's a bad guy, but I don't feel a lot of sympathy considering he made his own bed and then got a stripper to lie in it with him.

Which brings us to Mike Shula. No one blamed him for his disaster of a first season. Some grumbled about the disaster of a second season, but the grumbling was softened by understanding mentions of the injury problems that plagued the offense and pride in the defense's performance. He got us to a bowl our first year back from sanctions and had us within an overthrown pass (or one terrible series of officiating that gave a clearly recovered fumble back to Minnesota who subsequently scored within the next few downs) of winning it, and kept a classy demeanor through it all. This past season, despite dropping two in a row to LSU and AU, he brought Bama back into the national spotlight despite once again losing the offense's spark early in the season. Bama fans love defensive football and there was a lot to love about this season, especially the win over Tennessee, and would have been happy if EVERY game was decided by a long drive capped by a last second field goal, so long as we won. In the end, though, it doesn't make up for the loss (once again) to Auburn and the year's worth of "fear the thumb" we'll have to endure til next November.

All of this brings me back to Bama basketball and my misspent affections. I am first and foremost a fan of the Crimson Tide football team, but in order to continue to show pride and faith in the Crimson and White, I've latched onto the athletic program that's shown a favorable light on my beloved Bama while my first love struggles. We aren't beating AU on the football field, but by God they can't touch us in the basketball arena. UT might have owned us in football for the past decade, but put a round ball between us and there's no question. It's these sort of feelings that make me long for the start of the football season once again, when I can watch those (Killing Floor) Crimson jerseys against a field of green instead of light brown hardwood, when I can talk real shit to our UPS driver when we put an end to this "fear the thumb" nonsense instead of making fun of their basketball team which really isn't even worth the effort, when I can look on the sidelines at Fulmer and know the immense joy and pride of defeating pure evil instead of looking with bemusement to the UT bench and laughing at Pearl's orange blazer. September 2nd can't get here fast enough.

While making Pearl angry and laughing at his jacket might be fun...

...keeping the Doritos eating public safe from this madman is a reason to breathe.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

I will not be taken alive!

My brothers, the crusaders hound me day and night yet I have sworn to only live free. Even if I find bitter the taste of death, I will not die humiliated or deceived! The jihad is continuing with strength, to The Bear all credit is due! Despite all their barbarity, the repressive steps taken by the NCAA and its agents are no longer discernible from the crimes of the DuBose regime. The war waged against the NCAA and its allies in the Big 10 has not remained confined to Alabama as Myles Brand claims, but rather Alabama has become a point of attraction and recruitment of qualified scholarship players. May our Coach continue to bless our endeavors as we drive the infidels into the Great Lakes! Bearu Ahkbar!

I never thought I'd get so much material from a cave...
- Today's Hallway Scent: Turnip greens and weed.
I was supposed to go see Hem friday night but screwed around all week and never went to get tickets and it sold out. This is something I do a lot of lately, make big plans to see shows and then either just not go or wait around until it sells out to even try to get a ticket. My buddy Tim went and said I didn't really miss much, that they played a pretty sripped down set (the whole band wasn't there) and the mandolin player was also playing a really terrible harmonica through the whole show. Later on he talked to him at the bar and found out he had only been playing for two days, which leads me to question the judgement of HEM's other members. Anyway, the mando/harmonica player was name dropping like crazy so Tim asked him if he had ever met Ryan Adams and he said he had and that Adams is the most dispicable human being to ever walk the face of the Earth. Which is absolutely hysterical and makes me wish I had gone now. Just thought I would share.

27 years of nothing but failure and promises that I couldn't keep...
Taken from the comments section of the blasphemous post perpetrated by the zionist infidel pawns of iniquitous NCAA-AU-UT alliance, may The Bear rain destruction upon their heads and cause their mothers to weep openly in the streets:

TRUE FACTS About Bear Bryant:

The South didn't actually lose the Civil war. They traded away their certain victory for the right to be the future home of Bear Bryant.

Bear Bryant could smoke anywhere because he always exhaled pure oxygen.

When Bear Bryant was born he came out of his mother's womb in a perfect three point stance.

Bear Bryant never had to peel an orange; he simply compelled his oranges to peel themselves. This rarely happened because Bear Bryant was a meat and potatoes man.

When Alabama is caught paying players, Bear Bryant does not turn over in his grave; Rather the entire universe shifts around him.

Bear Bryant had no tear ducts, nor did he need them.

Bear Bryant's liver is acknowledged by Southern Baptists as their only official miracle.

During an unwelcome thunderstorm at his famous training camp in Junction, Bear Bryant leapt into the sky to speak with Thor. No one knows what was said but it hasn't rained in Texas since.

Bear Bryant wasn't an alcoholic, water just wouldn't let him close enough to drink.

Since Bear Bryant was busy with recruiting season when the Beatles recorded Sgt. Pepper he was unavailable for their album cover. They attempted to approximate his greatness by adding over 90 other famous people. They failed.

If you drink a thirty year old Bear Bryant commemorative Coca-Cola it will taste like a brand new Coca-Cola, only better.

When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, whichever one is Bear Bryant wins.

Bear Bryant's face has not yet appeared on any currency. This is only because the world doesn't have enough wealth yet to equal a single Bryantillion. However, his face did once appear on the single perfect Golden Flake chip.

Hounds used to line up to donate their teeth to Bear Bryant's hat.

Bear Bryant didn't mumble, he spoke in all languages at once.

The Bear greets the world from a perfect three point stance.
Date Movie

The days of Airplane!, where the genre and it's conventions are satired and individual characters are created and allowed to form their own identity within that framework, are gone. Now the humor comes (or at least is supposed to come) from our recollection of a specific scene, and characters are simply amalgamations instead of achetypes. For today's parody movie to be funny, two things have to occur: 1) The audience has to be familiar with the movies it's making fun of, and 2) it has to have a cast that's funny enough to transcend a level of humor that barely rises above the standard middle school fart joke. Sadly, I was aware of all the girly date movies this was satiring, so you can take that for what it's worth. The cast, though, with a few exceptions, was up to the challenge. Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge, in particular, took what lesser actors would have done, simply imitating Dustin Hoffman and Streisand's roles in Meet the Fockers, and went so over the top that they stole the whole movie. So if you like the Hot Shots and Scary Movies of the world, you'll find a lot to like in this. Otherwise, save your money.