Saturday, February 18, 2006

You Have a Melancholic Temperament
These stupid quizzes are addictive, and sometimes eerily accurate...

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

Lachey Seeks Support, Jewelry From Simpson

I've always considered Nick Lachey a smart guy. He hitched a ride on a hot chick who's career was in ascendence as his own 15 minutes quickly expired. Not a bad move, right? But then I read this, and it's shaken my view of the situation.

The part that caught my eye:

Lachey, who gained fame as a member of the boy band 98 Degrees, had more earning power when the couple wed in October 2002.

I'm not going to claim any knowledge of boy bands or their members, so maybe it's just me, but before he married Simpson I had never heard of Lachey or 98 Degrees. So how did he have more earning power than she did? And if so why in hell didn't he get a pre-nup? For once I can shake my head and mutter "stupid, stupid, stupid" while referring to the one on the left.

That's why you keep 'em barefoot and pregnant. OHNOHEDINT!

Soviet-era Carrier Goes Under the Hammer and Sickle

I have GOT to hit the Powerball tonight. How awesome would it be to live on an aircraft carrier?

I like the master suite, but can you land a fighter jet on it?

Archaeologists Unearth Alexander the Great Era Wall

All the homo-erotic portraits of Jared Leto scattered around gave it away.

I can't wait to see the google searches this brings in...

I have been looking to make a career move...

If you can't jihad for Allah, then jihad for the benefits! (via Malkin)

Spend your vacation camping in scenic Tora Bora!

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Cure Shares Your Taste in Music

Apparently this is what I listen to...

I can grow the beard and wear camo hats all I want, but there will always be a strange longing for black nail polish and eyeliner in my heart.

Which Musician (or Group) Shares Your Taste in Music?

Your results:
You are Batman

75% Batman

65% Spider-Man

60% Hulk

60% Green Lantern

60% Superman

You are dark, love gadgets and have vowed to help the innocent not suffer the pain you have endured.

The Batman/Catwoman fantasy would be much hotter if Hack weren't Catwoman...

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

No wonder no one came to my birthday party...

You Are

You even scare scary people sometimes!

US Women's Hockey Team Shocked By Sweden

Todd shocked to discover women's hockey exists outside the realm of bizarre sexual fantasy.

If this were real hockey #12 wouldn't have all those teeth...

$20 bounty for the heads of the editorial staff of Time!

Brothers, again we are faced with blashpemy and the iniquitous slander of our one true Coach, may his name be greeted with blessings and salutations! The reasonable and righteous clerics and scholars of The Alabamaban have convened a council concerning these images that have so gravely offended our religion, and have decided that whosoever insults The Bear deserves to be killed and whoever will take these evil men shall earn this prize. I personally offer $5 and a Matchbox Camaro while the local Bama Fever has offered a gift certificate for an additional $20 worth of Alabama merchandise, may our blessed Coach show them favoritism in their generosity! Bearu Ahkbar, in all things may he be praised!

This is getting too easy...

Thursday, February 16, 2006

- I am currently obsessed with the idea of thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail. This is quite possibly the worst idea I've ever had, even more so than the 1000 movies if you can believe that. It's not that doing it wouldn't be cool or wouldn't produce a certain sense of accomplishment, it's that I would die out there. I'm not a nature person. I used to like to go out to Oak Mountain and hike from time to time, but that was just a matter of "walking around for an afternoon then hopping back in the car and going to Waffle House on the way home" as opposed to living in the wilderness for six months. Also, I've complained about my knees a lot on here, and there isn't a shred of hyperbole in that. My knees are screwed up and the idea of walking the better part of the eastern seaboard is a terrible one. But I'm obsessed. I've been looking up stuff online since Sunday when it first got into my head that I want to do this. I started exercising, which is pretty damn serious for me, and I even considered joining a gym, that's how hardcore into this I am. So we'll see how I last through this month and if my knees will hold up under the added burden of nightly walks on top of my usual work strain. Or if I just get crazy lazy and give up cause I'd rather tub out on the couch and watch TV than actually do anything. Which is likely.

- I was looking at my site stats, and I saw that someone from Guntown, MS dropped by. Looks like I know where I'll be spending my retirement.

- Who would pay good money for a porno involving Kid Rock and Scott Stapp? Seriously? Cause I'm pretty sure I would pour liter fluid in my eyes and stand near an open flame before I'd watch a bunch of skank groupies servicing those two.

While I'm still in the "issuing fatwas" mood...

The crusader pawns of the NCAA-AU-UT alliance have again conspired to blaspheme our Coach, may his infinite mercy protect us. We call upon all the faithful brothers of Alabama to smite the heathen blasphemers. Brothers, it is war against Bama. Grab your swords! To the billion strong: where are your arms? Your enemies have trampled on The Coach. Rise up! Our Coach was insulted again by the Big 10. Boycotts will accomplish nothing. We need bombs and explosives! The infidels must know that the coming days will see a bloody war and a series of blessed conquests. May their women weep openly for their shame as the mercy and wisdom of The Bear guides us to glorious victory!

Go forth, Oak Ridge Boys, and slay the unbeliever wherever you may find them!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

If issuing a mock Fatwa doesn't get me beheaded on Al-jazeera, nothing will...

Praise be to The Bear, we seek His help and ask for his pardon. We take refuge in The Bear from our wrongs and bad deeds. Whoever has been guided by The Bear will not be misled, and who ever has been misled, he will never be guided. I bear witness that there is no Coach except The Bear -no associates with Him- and I bear witness that Stallings is His slave and messenger.

It should not be hidden from you that the people of Alabama have suffered from aggression, iniquity and injustice imposed on them by the NCAA-AU-UT alliance and their collaborators; to the extent that the Bama fan's blood became the cheapest and their wealth as loot in the hands of the enemies. Their blood was spilled in Auburn and Knoxville. The horrifying pictures of the massacre of Oxford, in Mississippi are still fresh in our memory. Massacres in Hawaii, Baton Rouge, and even Tuscaloosa, the Land of the Two Holy Places, took place, massacres that send shivers in the body and shake the conscience. All of this as the world watches and hears, and not only didn't respond to these atrocities, but also with a clear conspiracy between UT and it's allies and under the cover of the iniquitous NCAA, the dispossessed people were even prevented from obtaining scholarship players to defend themselves.

The people of Alabama awakened and realised that they are the main target for the aggression of the NCAA-AU-UT alliance. All false claims and propaganda about "fair recruiting" were hammered down and exposed by the massacres that took place against the Bama players in every part of the SEC.

Under the present circumstances, and under the banner of the blessed awakening which is sweeping the world in general and the Bama world in particular, I come to you to call for redemption of the scholars and athletes of Alabama by the iniquitous crusaders movement under the leadership of the NCAA; who fears that they, the scholars and athletes of Alabama, will instigate the Crimson Flame of all that is virtuous against its enemies as their ancestor scholars-may The Bear be pleased with them- like Joe Namath and Kenny Stabler before them.

From here, today we begin the work, talking and discussing the ways of correcting what had happened to the Bama nation in general, and The Land of the Two Holy Places in particular. We wish to identify the means by which we may return the situation to its' normal path. And to return to the people their own rights, particularly after the large damages and the great aggression on the life and the religion of the people: An injustice that has affected every section and group of the people; the fans, players, coaches and university students, hundred of thousands of young and old, all affected equally by these grave slights.

We say to the fat and evil one that his talk can induce a grieving mother to laughter and shows the fears that had enshrined you all. Where was this false courage of yours when the explosion in Knoxville took place in 2002? You were turned into scattered pits and pieces at that time. And where was this courage of yours when our brave warriors stopped your iniquitous drive to the endzone just this past season? But your most disgraceful act was in Birmingham in 2004; where after vigorous propaganda about the power of the NCAA and its leadership of the world of college athletics and the corruption and iniquity of the righteous and praiseworthy Bama nation you were too cowardly to attend the SEC Media Days for fear of reprisal.

We say unto you, smug heathen of the plains, that our brave and honored youth -may The Bear be pleased with them- dispute amongst themselves who will have the honor of defeating your corrupt and heathen world.

We say unto both we are willing to sacrifice for knights who never disappoint The Bear. Knights who are never fed up or deterred by injury or sorrow, even if the mill of war turns. In the heat of battle they do not care, and cure the insanity of the enemy by their 'insane' courage. We ask The Bear to accept from them these deeds, and may He help their fathers, brothers, wives and sons, for the walls of oppression and humiliation cannot be demolished except in a rain of passes.

We say unto you both The Bear, in his infinite wisdom, demands his followers redeem him and his faithful and restore the Alabamiphate to SEC and the world of college football.

My Faithful Brothers of The Bear: Your brothers in Alabama and in The Land of the Two Holy Places are calling upon your help and asking you to take part in fighting against the enemy -your enemy and their enemy- the NCAA, Auburn and UT. they are asking you to do whatever you can, with one's own means and ability, to expel the enemy, humiliated and defeated, out of the sanctities of The Bear.

From our place we raise our palms humbly to The Bear asking Him to bestow on us His guide in every aspects of this issue.

May The Bear strengthen the belief of our women in the way of generosity and sacrifice for the supremacy of the word of The Bear. Our women weep not, except over men who fight in the cause of The Bear; our women instigate their brothers to fight in the cause of The Bear. Our women bemoan only fighters in the cause of The Bear, as is said: Do not moan on any one except a lion in the woods, courageous in the burning wars. Let me die dignified in wars, honourable death is better than my current life.

O Bear, strengthen them and help their families.

Our Coach, show us a black day in them!

Our Coach, show us the wonderment of your ability in them!

Our Coach, You are the Revealer of the playbook, Director of the defense, You defeated the evil ones of the plains and of the mountains. Bless us that we may defeat them anew and make us victorious over them.

Our Coach, You are the one who helps us and You are the one who assist us, with Your Power we move and by Your Power we fight. On You we rely and You are our cause.

Our Coach, our youths come together to make Your religion victorious and raise Your banner.

Our Coach, send them Your help and strengthen their hearts.

Our Coach, make the quarterbacks of Bama steadfast and descend patience on them and guide their passes!

Our Coach, unify the receivers and bestow a sure grip among their hands!

O Coach pour down upon us offensive linemen, and make their steps firm and assist their blocks against the unbelieving people!

Our Coach, bless they servants Shula and Kines, Your slaves and messengers, their families and descendants, and companions and salute them with a becoming salutation.

And our last supplication is: All praise is due to The Bear.

Bearu Ahkbar
Well, if Nico can go the political route today, I guess I can too. I wasn't foolish enough to believe that this and worse wouldn't occur during the build up to war. It's gone on since the dawn of time, and even though I believe our cause is right and just and all that good stuff, I know that war is a dirty and inhuman thing and actions take place that are best not to think about. As Nico is correct in saying, our enemy is driven by a fervent belief in an ideology that isn't going to be broken by routine lock up and interrogation. These aren't a couple of neighborhood thugs that robbed some old lady. These are zealots, some that have traveled great distances, who's only goal is to fight and die in the name of their religion against the forces of a different idealogy. The good cop/bad cop routine isn't going to do a whole hell of a lot of good. It's uncomfortable to think about, but if we must torture a terrorist to get information that will save many more innocent lives, then I'm okay with that cause given the choice of torturing some asshole caught planting IEDs by a busy roadside and reading about some other asshole blowing up a bunch of children on the way to school, I'll sign up to throw the hood and handcuffs on and take the pictures myself.

Now, about those pictures. I think it's important to note that these aren't new images but previously unpublished ones, which begs the question "Why publish them now?" Everyone knows what happened. People were tortured, pictures were taken, Lyndie England is kind of crazy. It's all been covered. It's all been done. Thought we had moved on. But I guess not. So why is the media stirring up "the Arab street" again? Because "the Arab street" really isn't doing itself a lot of favors with the whole rioting and issuing of fatwas over the political cartoons in a Danish newspaper? Because it's uncomfortable to think that there's a pretty sizable chunk of the everyday muslim world that's suicide bombing crazy enough to get their shorts in a bunch over a POLITICAL CARTOON, not just a fringe element that isn't "really muslim?" Because the media felt the need to refresh our collective memory on a real reason to be pissed (though, really, the beheadings and videos shouldn't leave them a whole lot of room to riot)? Cause I really have to say the timing is interesting to me.

And before anyone feels the need to tell me that creating images of the prophet is a terrible crime under Muslim law, let me remind you that it wasn't Muslims who made the images and last I heard people who don't practice a particular religion aren't required to follow it's commands, especially when there's ample evidence that it's own practicioners haven't done the most stellar job themselves.

So, that's my political soapbox rant for today. Tomorrow I'll go back to crazy dreams about faded pop stars and making fun of Nicole, I promise.

It's a good thing Bryant wasn't for real holy or Daniel Moore would be screwed...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Just in time for Valentine's day... a screwed up dream!

I don't remember a lot of details, but I was at a restaurant with Britney Spears and her spawn eating lunch and laughing about old times. At some point I realize I'm still in love with her and the expression on my face changes, which she notices, and we have a teary heart to heart about how we were so great together and she admits that she isn't happy and she knows she's messed everything up but it's too late to change things now, she's married and has a child and she can't leave Kevin (how the fuck did I lose out to a guy named Kevin?) because of the baby. I hate my subconscious.

Britney when she was with me...

...and Britney with K-fed. America, you decide.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Look who's back on the program...

...hooking up another fly joint while I flow on the slo jam...

I have to get a house. Yesterday as I was leaving to go see Match Point a latino fella was totally bitching someone out on his cell phone and causing quite a ruckus, and then today I realized that my hallway still reeks of the marijuana and I've just gotten used to it. Apartment living is getting to me. Further, it's now a constant reminder that the only rap and/or hippity hop that I have even more than a passing familiarity with is over ten years old and consists mostly of The Chronic, Doggystyle, and that Cypress Hill album with Insane in the Brain, which is why I routinely have to reference the Judgement Night Soundtrack when talking about pot instead of anything more modern (of which there is plenty). And that's just kind of sad (read: late 20s, middle class, southern, and white).

Even if I were familiar with The Chronic 2001 , I would still be woefully behind...

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Match Point

To begin with, there is really nothing in this movie to identify it as a Woody Allen picture, except possibly the distinctive opening credits. If I hadn't known before hand I would have been shocked upon learning the director. Towards the end of last year I made an effort to get over my loathing of Allen and watch some of his lesser works. I had seen some of the majors (Crimes and Misdemeanors, Manhattan, Annie Hall) and a few of the minors (Deconstructing Harry, Mighty Aphrodite, Sweet and Lowdown) and had pretty well liked all of them, but I still found myself immediately shuddering at the prospect of watching one of his movies. When I realized it was mostly because he was in them I was able to look past that initial reaction and enjoy the movies for what they were, well made and cleverly scripted affairs that were worth a few enjoyable laughs. Anyway, on to Match Point...

It would appear that Allen has gotten wise to the fact that he can no longer (if he ever could) believably portray the characters he routinely plays by not appearing in his last two pictures. Ferrell's role in Melinda and Melinda is the prototypical Allen part, but he wisely chose to let Ferrell take the role instead of forcing us to suspend a ridiculously large amount of disbelief once again and accept him as the neurotic husband of an attractive (and much younger) woman. Now it appears he's content not only to continue to make "Woody Allen" movies solely from behind the camera, but that he's also ready to stay behind the camera for good and focus on stories and characters with no chance whatsoever for him to be involved with. And it works. Match Point follows two high society outsiders as they manage to work their seperate ways into the largesse of a wealthy British family. Nola (Johansson) is a struggling actress who winds up engaged to the son of the family while Chris (Rhys-Myers) is the tennis pro who parlays his charm and work ethic into a marriage with the family's daughter and the esteem of her very wealthy parents. Both become accustomed to the good life their fortuitous pairings have afforded but find themselves in lust with each other. It seemed to me neither one had a chance in their situations. Neither has any particular dreams or aspirations: Nola "wants to be an actress," but mostly she just doesn't want to go back to Colorado and her alcoholic mother, while Chris just doesn't want to be poor anymore. The only concrete goal either one has ever had stems from their lust for one another, a fleetingly rewarding goal at best, but one that can be obtained quickly and without effort instead of from doing the right thing by their respective others and reaping the rewards for the rest of their lives. Maybe neither one has a real reason for wanting the good life, it's just that the good life is what people are supposed to want, and that causes them to succumb to the grass is greenerism that plenty of couples have struggled with over time. Probably it's because the "right" thing is never reinforced by the strongest emotions available: Chris's lust for Nola is a stronger and more immediate feeling than his gratitude to his wife's family. The right thing for him to do is ignore the lust, take care of his wife, and get on with his life but instead he cannot get over the strength of his desire for Nola and he chooses the darker path to the detriment of all. It's ultimately a very sad movie. The trailers play up the "we don't want to acknowledge the role that luck plays in our lives" aspect of the movie, but what it came down to for me was the role that morals and wise choices play into how we let luck affect us. Everyone can blame something on bad luck because it's easy, but all of us, when we really look long and hard enough can also see where we made that bad luck for ourselves.

The Aristocrats

I've heard/read a lot of theories on "the essence of comedy," but in my mind comedy boils down to two things: the twisting of expectations and the acknowledgement of the darkest side of human nature. The joke featured in this documentary is the perfect example of both. If you haven't seen the movie or don't know the joke already, it's basic framework is that a family or group auditions for a talent agent and then reveals that the name of their act is "The Aristocrats." Their performance is left up to the imagination of the joke's teller, and is usually the most vile and awful acts he can imagine. It's not a good joke, as many of the comedians in the picture are quick to point out, but the humor is supposed to come from the shock of the baseness of the act (incest and bestiality were common themes) juxtaposed with the name "The Aristocrats." What I found most fascinating was the joke's inate ability to reveal the depths of the teller's perversity and imagination. While there were a lot of common elements throughout the different comedians' versions, the ones that stand out are the ones where the teller put an imaginitive spin on it. For example, Kevin Pollack performed it as an impression of Christopher Walken telling a story about his uncle who happened to be the talent agent. Another framed it within the confines of a card trick. Several reversed the joke by describing a wholesome family act and then giving it a shocking name, like "The Cocksucking Motherfuckers." But whoever told the joke told it their own way and each time they cracked themselves up with their own rendition, no matter how lame or filthy it was. I didn't find myself laughing much during this, revulsion was my usual response, but I did find it fascinating to see how such a simple framework could produce such varied and disgusting results. Apparently comedians are a weird and different lot.