Saturday, April 08, 2006

Like, normal books, or creepy demon books?

Ancient Book May Be Covered in Human Skin

"Much of the text is in French, and it was not uncommon around the time of the French Revolution for books to be covered in human skin."

Turns out the Necronomicon was really just an old French cook book.

Berry Poachers? Are you kidding me?

Police, Berry Poachers Play Cat-and-Mouse

Dear Charles Robinson,
I'm really sorry you have to spend your days making sure no one STEALS BERRIES, especially since you used to be a tactical agent and worked the narcotics task force. I'll bet those were some pretty good times, huh? Waiting to crack some drug dealer head? I bet cold cocking some scumbag pusher is pretty cool, isn't it? Man, I wish you were still living that dream, keeping us safe from the dealers and thugs that make the streets unsafe for children and the elderly instead of sitting out there in the swamp, getting bitten by mosquitoes and keeping a sharp eye out for alligators and rattlesnakes just to make sure that no one STEALS BERRIES. But hey, look on the bright side. Some day more and more counties are are going to see their natural lands disappearing, and instead of focusing on marijuana cultivation, burglary, auto theft, or even cattle rustling, they'll start to place more emphasis on the need to stop BERRY POACHERS rather than worry about real crime. Won't that be a boost for your ego? And it looks like you've got some pretty cool stuff to play with out there. Jacked up 4X4s with satellite hookups, off roaders, a jeep normally built for the military that can travel the swamps submerged, all so you can effectively KEEP PEOPLE FROM STEALING BERRIES.

Your friend,

Misleading Headline of the Day:

Jessica Simpson sued over fashion choices

Apparently she's not promoting some brand of jeans or something. I thought some poor bastard was trying to get some "emotional distress" money after witnessing this:

Is she pointing at her boobs to draw attention away from her freakish lips?

Friday, April 07, 2006

On today's episode of "The Bachelor Life," our hero is still too lazy to take the trash out.

At times I disgust even myself.

Cotton Bowl, bitches!

Most Intriguing Headline of the Day:

Giant Eva Longoria graces the Nevada desert

Alas, they're talking about a giant Maxim cover, not a mutated, rampaging, desperate housewife, shooting lasers from her eyes while devouring tanks. That would be so awesome...

What might have been.

Alabama continues it's domination of the world of sports...

...with a title in the world of collegiate Rock, Paper, Scissors. Roll Tide!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The funniest video EVER. Not at all safe for work. (via Garfield Ridge)

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Finebaum plays it safe...

...picks Bama to go 8-4. I'm pretty sure that's the same record he had us with last season, but I can't find his column (if someone knows where to find it, put a link in the comments please) to verify. There's a good bit of homerism in this and a lot of Bama optimism, but I can seriously see Bama going undefeated this season. I said it last year and, until depth issues and Shula's insistence on living and dying by Brodie Croyle's arm bogged us down late in the season, it looked like I would be proven right. Still, 10-2 is a good way to end up even if one of those 2 is (yet another) loss to the Barn, and is also at least two more wins than all the talking heads expected. So here are Finebaum's predictions, and my thoughts:

-- Sept. 2: Hawaii -- Incredibly, Alabama lost to Hawaii in 2003 on the island. It won't happen this time around on the mainland ... Alabama 28-9.

It really wasn't that incredible considering Timmy Chang was behind center for the Warriors and Kines was still wearing his "bend but don't break" hat against the same Hawaii offense that engaged a 9-3 Bama with a top ranked defense in a 21-16 thriller the previous year. I agree it won't be happening again though; Kines took the "bend but don't break" hat off and went by the local Spencer's for a "Rock Out With Your Cock Out" one after that debacle and hasn't looked back since. This will probably be a deja vu game for Bama; all of Hawaii's scoring should come in the first half before Kines makes the necessary adjustments at the break for a second half shut out. Bama's offense won't be settled 'til the third quarter either, but once they start clicking look for the Tide to start pulling away. 28-9 sounds about right.

-- Sept. 9: Vanderbilt -- This is not Jay Cutler's Vandy team from 2005, luckily for the Tide ... Alabama 24-7.

Luckily for the Tide? If we held Texas Tech's passing attack to 10 points, I'm pretty sure we could have held a Cutler led Vandy to roughly the same. I'm just saying. Anyway, only at Vanderbilt can losing six straight after a four win start be considered "storybook," but they did keep UT out of a bowl to finish up so there is that. They aren't due for any measurable hype for another decade so Bama it is, 31-3.

-- Sept. 16: Louisiana-Monroe -- This should be a nice off week for the Tide as it prepares for the meat of the SEC schedule ... Alabama 49-6.

No arguments there, but Shula seems classy enough to keep from running up a score on a hopelessly outmatched opponent. Look for Guillon or Barnes (or both...) to run the clock out in the second half. Bama, 28-7.

-- Sept. 23: at Arkansas -- Two years ago, the Tide lost at Arkansas in what may have been the turning point of the season. This game could go a long way in determining whether Alabama has a good season ... Alabama 19-17.

This is going to be a game. Nutt will presumably be on the hot seat this season and should come into this game with some momentum after cupcake wins at home against Utah State and in Nashville against Vandy. This will be JP's first real taste of the road life in the SEC, but leading a scoring drive at Auburn in last year's Iron Bowl showed he can handle a hostile crowd. The Hawg's depth at running back concerns me and will be a serious test for an inexperienced linebacking corp. Close game, but not that close. Bama pulls away in the 4th, 24-13.

-- Sept. 30: Florida -- This is a revenge game of epic proportions and Alabama will finally fall ... Florida 28-20.

Finebaum seems pretty sure that Meyer won't lose to Shula again, but considering Shula's been nothing but underestimated from the get go that's to be expected. This is definitely a revenge game, but not the way he's looking at it. Florida's won 6 of the last 10, so we've still got some revenging to do. Bama, 21-17.

-- Oct. 7: Duke -- Coming off a 1-10 record, this will be a long road trip for the Duke players and a most enjoyable afternoon for those wearing Crimson ... Alabama 38-3.

Not much to argue with here.

-- Oct. 14: Ole Miss -- The Rebels nearly stunned Alabama last year in Oxford and should make this one interesting for three quarters ... Alabama 24-13.

Again, not much to argue with here. Orgeron will once again have the Rebels scaring the SEC powers, but not much more.

-- Oct. 21: at Tennessee -- Do you remember the last time Alabama beat Tennessee two consecutive years? Well, how about 1991-1992? It won't happen this year, either ... Tennessee 21-17.

Bull. Shit. Cutcliffe might be back, but it's still the same offense they've been running since their national title. Give Cutcliffe a few years and he might groom another Peyton Manning, but DCs throughout the SEC have these schemes cold. Bama, 21-7.

-- Oct. 28: Florida International -- In case you're wondering, this will not be a tough ticket in Tuscaloosa ... Alabama 51-7.

Not much to argue with but the score since this is homecoming and the starters will be riding the bench for most of the game. Bama, 31-0.

-- Nov. 4: Mississippi State -- Is this the year Sly Croom finally turns the corner in Starkville? The Bullies will be better but still not good enough ... Alabama 20-12.

I doubt the Bullies will be better considering the thug issue has once again reared it's ugly head in Starkville. Look for Croom to boot half the team before fall practice. Bama, 28-10.

-- Nov. 11: at LSU -- The Tigers will be among the teams to beat in the SEC, but the Tide usually plays them well in Baton Rouge ... LSU 20-13.

Death Valley has never been all that deadly for the Tide, and about now is when we find out if LSU is for real or just a Nick Saban zombie. I'm betting Miles showed his true colors against UT last season. Bama, 20-13.

-- Nov. 18: Auburn -- Once again, Tommy Tuberville makes Bryant-Denny Stadium his favorite stadium in the SEC other than home. The streak moves to five in a row over the Tide and "Fear the Thumb" T-shirts are hotter items in Auburn than Christmas trees. Last year, in this space, I picked Auburn 28-17 (the final was 28-18). This year ... Auburn 24-16.

The only fear anyone should have from an Auburn thumb is the stench it produces after being pulled from their collective asses. There's no weak OL to run through this time around, Tubby, so your Chizikless defense will have to actually do more than just blitz. Look for Borges to cook up a couple of quick scores early in, but then watch as the Tide defense stiffens and a healthy Bama offense prevails. Bama, 21-17.

Fear the thumb? Not if he has anything to say about it.

Was Led Zeppelin Psychic?

David Pelfrey investigates.

You know those guitars that are like DOUBLE-guitars...

A fresh post for you kids to chat under...

with a fresh set of legs for Muttonchops to stare at.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Ice packs on both knees and not a single, bad ass "old football injury" story to tell...
In an attempt to draw more local support for the Emeral Bowl, San Francisco officials have proposed a new logo:

McKinney Case Goes to Federal Prosecutor

On top of being hassled by THE MAN for being in Congress while black, Cynthia McKinney must have been watching TV while black, too.

bitchcakes crazy + a little chunky = en! ter! tain! ment!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present your 2005 Emerald Bowl Champions

Navy 48, TCU 14

It just seems like the logo should be, I don't know, gayer...

You know the real difference between you and me? I pimp hos while you suckers wine and dine 'em.
Controlled Burn : Stories of Prison, Crime, and Men
by Scott Wolven

Van recommended this one to me. He and Wolven were at Columbia together and since he was the one who initially turned me onto McCarthy I take his recommendations to heart. Once again he comes through with a winner.

I'm not terribly good with the book reviews, but I liked this enough to say something about it here. It's a collection of short fiction focusing on hard cases, meth addicts, and just plain villains. Wolven presents their tales with concise prose; each character is written with assured understanding and descriptions are often given with almost journalistic detail, giving an overall effect of gritty realism. It was an almost quick read. Each time I sat down to read I would clip through two to three stories and then put it down for a few days. I get the feeling, given a Sunday afternoon free of distraction, I could have finished it off in one sitting.
These guys make Big and Rich look like Waylon and Willie.

Legend has it that Hank Williams will return to country music when he's needed. Obviously that time is now.
Despite all the controversy Sharon Stone has tried to drum up to get people to see Basic Instinct 2 it only pulled in $3,200,000 on opening weekend, the same total earned by Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector despite it's being in it's 2nd week of release. American movie going public, I shall never doubt you again.

Apparently the 1st eyeful was enough.

I cannot believe there is an actual word for this...

Word of the Day for Sunday April 2, 2006

defenestrate \dee-FEN-uh-strayt\, transitive verb:

To throw out of a window.

I would happily defenestrate anyone who would deny the hotness of the Alba.