Wednesday, February 15, 2006

If issuing a mock Fatwa doesn't get me beheaded on Al-jazeera, nothing will...

Praise be to The Bear, we seek His help and ask for his pardon. We take refuge in The Bear from our wrongs and bad deeds. Whoever has been guided by The Bear will not be misled, and who ever has been misled, he will never be guided. I bear witness that there is no Coach except The Bear -no associates with Him- and I bear witness that Stallings is His slave and messenger.

It should not be hidden from you that the people of Alabama have suffered from aggression, iniquity and injustice imposed on them by the NCAA-AU-UT alliance and their collaborators; to the extent that the Bama fan's blood became the cheapest and their wealth as loot in the hands of the enemies. Their blood was spilled in Auburn and Knoxville. The horrifying pictures of the massacre of Oxford, in Mississippi are still fresh in our memory. Massacres in Hawaii, Baton Rouge, and even Tuscaloosa, the Land of the Two Holy Places, took place, massacres that send shivers in the body and shake the conscience. All of this as the world watches and hears, and not only didn't respond to these atrocities, but also with a clear conspiracy between UT and it's allies and under the cover of the iniquitous NCAA, the dispossessed people were even prevented from obtaining scholarship players to defend themselves.

The people of Alabama awakened and realised that they are the main target for the aggression of the NCAA-AU-UT alliance. All false claims and propaganda about "fair recruiting" were hammered down and exposed by the massacres that took place against the Bama players in every part of the SEC.

Under the present circumstances, and under the banner of the blessed awakening which is sweeping the world in general and the Bama world in particular, I come to you to call for redemption of the scholars and athletes of Alabama by the iniquitous crusaders movement under the leadership of the NCAA; who fears that they, the scholars and athletes of Alabama, will instigate the Crimson Flame of all that is virtuous against its enemies as their ancestor scholars-may The Bear be pleased with them- like Joe Namath and Kenny Stabler before them.

From here, today we begin the work, talking and discussing the ways of correcting what had happened to the Bama nation in general, and The Land of the Two Holy Places in particular. We wish to identify the means by which we may return the situation to its' normal path. And to return to the people their own rights, particularly after the large damages and the great aggression on the life and the religion of the people: An injustice that has affected every section and group of the people; the fans, players, coaches and university students, hundred of thousands of young and old, all affected equally by these grave slights.

We say to the fat and evil one that his talk can induce a grieving mother to laughter and shows the fears that had enshrined you all. Where was this false courage of yours when the explosion in Knoxville took place in 2002? You were turned into scattered pits and pieces at that time. And where was this courage of yours when our brave warriors stopped your iniquitous drive to the endzone just this past season? But your most disgraceful act was in Birmingham in 2004; where after vigorous propaganda about the power of the NCAA and its leadership of the world of college athletics and the corruption and iniquity of the righteous and praiseworthy Bama nation you were too cowardly to attend the SEC Media Days for fear of reprisal.

We say unto you, smug heathen of the plains, that our brave and honored youth -may The Bear be pleased with them- dispute amongst themselves who will have the honor of defeating your corrupt and heathen world.

We say unto both we are willing to sacrifice for knights who never disappoint The Bear. Knights who are never fed up or deterred by injury or sorrow, even if the mill of war turns. In the heat of battle they do not care, and cure the insanity of the enemy by their 'insane' courage. We ask The Bear to accept from them these deeds, and may He help their fathers, brothers, wives and sons, for the walls of oppression and humiliation cannot be demolished except in a rain of passes.

We say unto you both The Bear, in his infinite wisdom, demands his followers redeem him and his faithful and restore the Alabamiphate to SEC and the world of college football.

My Faithful Brothers of The Bear: Your brothers in Alabama and in The Land of the Two Holy Places are calling upon your help and asking you to take part in fighting against the enemy -your enemy and their enemy- the NCAA, Auburn and UT. they are asking you to do whatever you can, with one's own means and ability, to expel the enemy, humiliated and defeated, out of the sanctities of The Bear.

From our place we raise our palms humbly to The Bear asking Him to bestow on us His guide in every aspects of this issue.

May The Bear strengthen the belief of our women in the way of generosity and sacrifice for the supremacy of the word of The Bear. Our women weep not, except over men who fight in the cause of The Bear; our women instigate their brothers to fight in the cause of The Bear. Our women bemoan only fighters in the cause of The Bear, as is said: Do not moan on any one except a lion in the woods, courageous in the burning wars. Let me die dignified in wars, honourable death is better than my current life.

O Bear, strengthen them and help their families.

Our Coach, show us a black day in them!

Our Coach, show us the wonderment of your ability in them!

Our Coach, You are the Revealer of the playbook, Director of the defense, You defeated the evil ones of the plains and of the mountains. Bless us that we may defeat them anew and make us victorious over them.

Our Coach, You are the one who helps us and You are the one who assist us, with Your Power we move and by Your Power we fight. On You we rely and You are our cause.

Our Coach, our youths come together to make Your religion victorious and raise Your banner.

Our Coach, send them Your help and strengthen their hearts.

Our Coach, make the quarterbacks of Bama steadfast and descend patience on them and guide their passes!

Our Coach, unify the receivers and bestow a sure grip among their hands!

O Coach pour down upon us offensive linemen, and make their steps firm and assist their blocks against the unbelieving people!

Our Coach, bless they servants Shula and Kines, Your slaves and messengers, their families and descendants, and companions and salute them with a becoming salutation.

And our last supplication is: All praise is due to The Bear.

Bearu Ahkbar


Blogger Newspaper Hack said...

Pure brilliance.

2:45 PM  

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