Monday, July 10, 2006

While reading the Birmingham News this morning I ran across an article detailing preliminary findings that suggest certain soaps, body lotions, and shampoos that contain lavender and tea tree oils "may cause hormonal imbalances and breast growth in young boys." Naturally, I began to wonder how many men out there can blame their cursed man-boobs on their shampoo rather than a diet of Hardee's and KFC and little to no exercise. Seeing as the ranks of college head coaches is typically the most man-boobed group of men outside of a Kenny Rogers look-a-like convention, I decided to run down some of the top offenders and determine if the culprit really is their insatiable appetites or an unfortunate byproduct of the Herbal Essence their wives keep in the shower at home.

Dennis Franchione: Taking a page from The Scarlet Pimpernel, Coach Fran has been known to disguise his scent with aromatic and womanly perfumes in order to escape in the dead of night from one coaching position to the next.

Verdict: Aromatic shampoos, body lotions, and soaps.

Chuck Amato: Amato is a tricky call. Obviously a Dapper Dan man, it would be easy to write him off as a victim of cosmetology, but he also looks like the kind of guy that could Garfield a lasagna in three seconds flat.

Verdict: The shampoo put it on, the food keeps it there.

Watson Brown: I'm pretty sure that Watson's man-boob related troubles stem more from the thoughtful gift basket from Bath & Body Works that brother Mack sent him to rub in the fact that he rode his super stud QB all the way to a national title all the while pretending it was a nice Christmas present.

Verdict: Shampoo

Sylvester Croom: "I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat...and because I'm the head coach at Mississippi State."

Verdict: Ribs, ribs, ribs...

Ed Orgeron: It's a widely known fact that Orgeron's yearly cleansing ritual consists of the slaughter of a significant portion of the local wildlife and the subsequent burrowing through their amassed carcasses, so I doubt shampoos or soaps have ever touched his terrifying hide.

Verdict: The marrow of the crushed bones of his enemies.

Chan Gailey: Stores near the Georgia Tech campus quit stocking aromatic shampoos and soaps after they were unable to sell them since the only thing on campus they would attract are, well, yellow jackets. It's pretty unlikely they've caused Gailey any chestal growth.

Verdict: The Varsity

Houston Nutt: Hygiene products aren't sold in the state of Arkansas.

Verdict: Whatever wanders into the traps out back.

Phil Fulmer: Like I even have to say anything.

Verdict: Cheeseburgers, cheese fries, Cheetos, five gallon tubs of Sam's Choice imitation Velveeta...

Frank Beamer: He doesn't so much have man-boobs as one oddly placed man-boob, which is more than likely a product of a cosmetics test he took part in to earn cash during his college years.

Verdict: SMX0284 (Clinical Trial version of Suave for Men).

Barry Alvarez: Why Fulmer opted to coach at his alma mater instead of trying to get a job in the land of cheese I'll never know.

Verdict: Coaching in Wisconsin

Charlie Weis: The Evil Robot Genius has no need of food, but does appreciate the natural highlights his daily conditioner brings out.

Verdict: Shampoo

Lloyd Carr: Too apathetic to actually eat or bathe, he more than likely gets scrubbed down like a zoo animal and kept hydrated through an IV.

Verdict: Shampoo and soap since I've never seen anyone get fat off of a liquid diet.

Pat Hill: With a sweet 'stache like that, you know the man puts a lot of thought into his appearance.

Verdict: Mustache wax, shampoo, soaps, body lotion.

Mangino: "I wash myself with a rag on a stick."

Verdict: Body wash.


Blogger Nicole said...

Be nice to Barry. It's not like he's reached Weis/Mangino perportions.

9:34 PM  
Blogger TNIRISHFAN said...

Now that is quality Todd writing. Very funny dude.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Claudia said...

Not all of those guys have man boobs. Some of those were a stretch.

PS-Man boobs are a DEFINATE deal breaker.

10:14 AM  
Blogger TNIRISHFAN said...

Claudia, any guy who has worked out extensively and then quit, will develop man boobs later in life. So I guess the moral is find a really enthusiastic work out guy(this usually means he loves his body more than he loves you) or find a guy who is already pretty lazy.(Which probably means he loves his playstation more than he loves you) BTW I think the ratio of 2nd guy to first guy is probably 100,000 to 1. GL with that.

11:46 AM  

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