The day will soon arrive when my family finds me dead at my desk from an apparent case of what doctors like to call "head exploding." The cause? Sharon. Fucking. Stone. Is there any creepier mental image than a psycho like Sharon Stone prowling the local Old Navy for young and impressionable girls to lecture about sex? Maybe it's just the Southern Baptist in me, but I'm pretty sure it isn't her place to be pulling kids aside after their parents are gone to have a frank discussion about the birds and the bees.

Further:

"If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job."

The hell? Exactly what situation is she talking about here? Because I'm pretty sure the only situation where one can't get out of sex is what law enforcement officials call RAPE. So if it comes down to it, girls, offer to blow your rapist and maybe he'll leave you alone.



















Which one would you trust to be alone with your daughter?